Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The weight of emotions

I've been doing a lot of thinking on emotions and weight gain lately. While I'm still formulating thoughts on it, I am nonetheless convinced that emotions are one of the greatest factors in weight gain. Whether it be overeating to numb the pain of emotional upheaval or being emotionally thwarted in every day life that causes the subconscious to store fat as a means of insulating from pain, there is a strong connection between emotions and weight.

At least, I know that is the case with me.

I began to think back to when I started gaining weight, and it was linked to a time when I was emotionally vulnerable. I had been in a terrible relationship, in which I was more invested than the significant party than they were with me, and I was just emotionally raw for years afterwards. It was then that I started putting on weight. In fact, I remember the offensive party actually pointing out to me one evening that it looked like I was putting on weight (at the time I was a size 4) and I needed to start hitting the gym.

I think at that moment I realized that no matter what, I would never be enough for this person. That's when I began to insulate myself. If they didn't want a chubby girlfriend, then that's what I would become, unconsciously. Unfortunately, I just never stopped insulating. I was too pained to stop. I kept adding more and more weight to keep all men at bay, then I wouldn't need to feel anything anymore.

Six years later, I'm finally tired of insulating myself from the world, because I am missing so much.

This is one of the reasons I started working out again, because I wanted to feel beautiful for myself, not because of a guy, or some event. Those are momentary fixes, and while they do have a place (believe me, I get the 'I need to lose five pounds to get into this dress' thought and there's nothing wrong with that), when it comes to a bigger transformation, it should be about you, not something external to you.

If you are losing weight because you think it will make someone else happy, then you are setting yourself up to fail. Weight loss and body transformations should be about you, it should be a decision that you make for yourself and by yourself. Someone (other than a physician) telling you to lose weight will just leave you emotionally dissatisfied and forced into weight loss.

Honestly, if someone you loved told you you need to lose weight and you started working out because of it, how much would you resent them while you're pounding away on the treadmill or weights and they're nowhere to be seen? The thought of them saying to lose weight can eat away at you and cause you to self-destruct, ruining your work outs and your diet.

Your health is your responsibility and no one else should tell you any different, unless they are a physician.

So, even though the significant party and I have somewhat amended the turmoil between the two of us, there is still that part of me that is still hurting from the things said to me. I still remember that night when my weight was called into question. I still remember the feeling of not being enough, when I know that I'm way too much for him.

It is time. I'm going to lose this weight, because I'm tired of carrying around that time of my life with me. its a constant reminder of the turmoil, of the pain, of the insecurities I don't want anymore. I carry it around in the form of cellulite and excess weight. When I get rid of the emotional weight, the physical weight will follow.

Then I can formulate new and exciting relationships and not feel vulnerable due to the weight of yesteryear weighing me down.

Join me in the Beachbody Revolution!!

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